From our favorite comic drunk, Geoff Fauxworthy! While sobriety is a deadly serious business, we have to have humor and the ability to laugh at ourselves!
From Geoff "I was in a meeting recently, and a fellow sober drunk was opining about his drinking days and shared the quip that once in a bar, flirting with a purty young lass, his best friend stepped over and indicated he really like this girl and wanted to talk to her... and my fellow drunk, in true drunken form, said "Let me keep the beer, and you can have the girl!" That was funny as hell to me! After the meeting, I told him those were perfect lyrics for a country song! Which I promptly had someone help me write...
Let Me Keep the Beer and You Can Have the Girl
(A rousing, humorous country song)
[Verse 1]
She walked out, slammed the door, took my truck and half my cash,
Left a note on the fridge sayin’ “Boy, kiss my—” (well, you know that last).
Now my buddies all say, “Man, ain't you feelin’ down?”
But I just pop a top and laugh ‘cause I ain’t lost my crown!
[Verse 2]
She took the house, the dog, and the Keurig machine,
But my cooler’s still stocked, so I ain’t missin’ a thing.
She can have her new man with his fancy hair gel,
I'll take a longneck and a barstool—I’m doin’ real well!
[Bridge]
So raise ‘em up high, let’s toast to my fate,
She’s got a lawyer, but I got a crate!
Love’s overrated, and women are fickle,
But beer stays cold and don’t cost me a nickel!
[Verse 3]
So buddy, don’t worry, don’t pity my world,
Just let me keep the beer, and you can have the girl!
She’s high maintenance, full of drama and twirls,
But this Bud’s got my back—it don’t come with no swirls!
[Verse 4]
So here’s to the fellas who’ve been where I’ve been,
If she walks out again, just crack open ten!
‘Cause heartbreak is tough, but the lesson is clear,
Love may be fleeting, but there’s always more beer!
(Yeehaw! Cue the fiddle and a round on me!) 🍻
Now, I remember when I was a younger man, an old drunken reprobate, David Allan Coe, recorded a song about "the Perfect Country and Western Song" and near the end had a verse about mama, trains, rain, dogs and gittin drunk" and I was reminded of that after writing this song... so had to sit down and jot down another set of one liners ... "youuuuuuuu just might be an alcoholic"!
So sit back, enjoy and have a good laugh!
If you ever said... "Let me keep the beer and you can have the girl", youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama ever mailed you bail money before you got arrested, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the only train you’ve ever caught was on foot with a bottle in your hand, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog knows how to fetch you a beer but not his own name, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been thrown out of a prison visit for bringing your own flask, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the bartender gives you his mama’s number for a ride home, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever watched a train go by and wondered, “How much booze could that carry?” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog wags his tail every time he hears a beer can open, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been soaked standing in the rain because the bar wouldn’t let you back in, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the prison warden personally thanks your mama for keeping you out this time, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been drunker than your dog, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your train of thought keeps derailing at the liquor store, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama calls the liquor store asking if you’ve been in today, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever gone to a prison visit just for the free coffee, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever chased your dog through the rain with a beer in one hand and a leash in the other, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever stood by the train tracks and thought, “That’d be a great place for a bar,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama ever sent you a birthday card and an AA pamphlet, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been late to work because the dog drank your last beer, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever stood in the pouring rain just to finish your drink outside a bar, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever tried to bribe the prison guard with a six-pack, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog can track you by the smell of beer alone, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever looked at a train car and wondered how many kegs it could hold, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama says “I raised you better” every time you answer the phone, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the first thing you do when you get out of jail is ask for a cold one, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog refuses to get in your truck until you pass a breathalyzer, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever told someone, “I ain’t drunk, I’m just waiting for a train to pass,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your raincoat has built-in koozies, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever asked your mama for an advance on your inheritance to buy booze, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your last three dogs have all been named “Whiskey,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the best meal you’ve had all year was in the county jail, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever asked a train conductor, “Y’all got a bar car?” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama’s preacher prays for you by name every Sunday, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever had a drink so strong it made your dog howl, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the only time you’ve ever read a book was in prison or at the bar, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever stared at a storm cloud and thought, “That’s beer-drinkin’ weather,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog knows the way home better than you do, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been the only person on a train who brought their own cooler, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever stood outside a bar in the rain hoping they’d change their mind and let you back in, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama calls your parole officer more than she calls you, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever tried to teach your dog to fetch a beer from a store, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever bet on how late a train will be while drinking on the tracks, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever spent more money on beer in one night than your mama spent raising you, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the last thing you saw before blacking out was a flashing railroad crossing sign, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever been arrested while still holding your beer, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your dog has better instincts about your dating life than you do, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If the rain doesn’t bother you as long as your beer stays dry, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your last train ride ended with you waking up in another state, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If your mama still gives you cash only because she knows where your credit card is going, youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you’ve ever told your dog, “Buddy, we’re gonna need a new plan,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!If you just read this whole list thinking, “Yep, that’s me,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!
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