The Comic Stylings of Geoff Fauxworthy

Meet Geoff Fauxworthy

Geoff Fauxworthy—yes, pronounced "Jeff" (he’s heard every joke about it, thank you very much)—is a man who has fought his battles and lived to tell the tale, albeit with a wry grin and a well-timed punchline. A recovering alcoholic with years of sobriety under his belt, Geoff takes his recovery with the kind of deadly seriousness usually reserved for bomb squads and brain surgeons. That said, he’s the first to poke fun at himself, often quipping that if humility were a competition, he’d humbly accept first place.

A devout Christian with a world view tempered by both faith and hard-won experience, Geoff doesn’t preach—at least, not in the finger-wagging sense. Instead, he leads by example, offering wisdom when asked, support when needed, and the occasional sarcastic remark when the moment demands it. Life hasn’t been easy, but he figures if he can laugh at himself, he’s already ahead of the game.

Wherever Geoff goes, he carries himself with a quiet confidence, the kind earned through struggle and redemption. He knows what it’s like to be at rock bottom, and he knows the way back up. More importantly, he’s always willing to lend a hand to the next guy trying to climb out. Just don’t try to buy him a drink—he’ll politely decline, then probably make a joke at your expense.

Geoff Fauxworthy’s Opening Monologue

*"Good evening, everybody! I appreciate y’all being here tonight—especially those of you who showed up sober. The rest of you… well, let’s just say, if you walked in with a beer in each hand and still managed to trip over your own feet—you just might be an alcoholic! Here for one night only, and don't forget to tip your waitress... bada psssssst.

Now, before anybody gets all nervous, relax—I’m not here to judge. I’m a recovering alcoholic myself. Been sober a long time now, and I take my sobriety very seriously… but not so seriously that I can’t laugh about the stupid stuff I did when I was drinking. Because let’s be real—if you don’t laugh at your past, your past is gonna laugh at you.

For example—if you’ve ever had to apologize to your dog for drunk dialing your ex… you just might be an alcoholic!

If you’ve ever had to check your bank statement to figure out where you went last night… you just might be an alcoholic!

And if you’ve ever looked at a bottle of Jack Daniels and thought, ‘Well, I was gonna pay rent this month, but…’ you just might be an alcoholic!

Now, I know some of y’all are sitting there thinking, ‘Oh no, that’s not me!’ And that’s fine. But if you just leaned over to your friend and whispered, ‘Wait… is that me?’—buddy, we need to talk after the show.

Sobriety’s been a gift, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but man, it’s a weird adjustment. Like, suddenly you realize that normal people don’t pre-game a trip to the grocery store. Or that brunch is just… breakfast, but later. And that other people actually remember what they did last weekend. It’s a wild concept, I know.

But hey, I’m not here to preach—I’m just here to remind everybody that life is hilarious, and if you can’t laugh at your own mistakes, you’re missing out on some prime comedy material.

Now, let’s have some fun—and if you do have a drink in your hand, just remember: if you set it down and forget where you put it… you just might be an alcoholic!”

·  If you’ve ever looked at a bottle of Jack Daniels and thought, ‘Well, I was gonna pay rent this month, but…... youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your recycling bin is worth more than your 401(k), youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever cracked a beer before cracking your eyes open, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you judge restaurants solely by how heavy-handed the bartender is, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your GPS automatically suggests the liquor store as “Home,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your bartender has your drink poured before you even sit down, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever used mouthwash as a cocktail ingredient, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever poured beer on your cereal because you were out of milk, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever been late to work because you were waiting for the liquor store to open, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider a Bloody Mary a health food because of the vegetables, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your dog brings you a beer instead of fetching the paper, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your vacation plans are based entirely on open container laws, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you have a separate budget category for “booze,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your idea of meal prep is lining up shots for the weekend, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your “gym” membership is just a barstool with your name on it, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever brought a flask to a church service, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever asked the drive-thru lady if they can put a shot in your Coke, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider water an ingredient in whiskey, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you have more empty bottles than full ones in your house, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you have a designated driver for grocery shopping, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever put beer in a coffee mug to look professional, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever played “which beer is the coldest” in your fridge at 6 AM, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you know which gas stations sell alcohol but not which ones sell gas, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you keep an emergency bottle in your toilet tank, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your New Year’s resolution is to switch from whiskey to wine, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’m only having one,” and meant one bottle, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your bartender sends you a “missing you” text, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever pre-gamed a baby shower, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever gone to a wedding just for the open bar, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever drank so much you started speaking a foreign language you don’t even know, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever judged a vacation spot based on their alcohol-to-food ratio, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you know what day of the week it is based on your hangover level, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever ordered a water at the bar just so they wouldn’t cut you off, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever put a straw in a wine bottle and called it a "personal decanter," youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever mixed Pedialyte with vodka to be "efficient," youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever Googled "how to cure a hangover" while still drinking, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your fridge only has beer and condiments, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever woken up and thought, “Wow, who the hell drank all my booze?” … and it was you, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your bank statement is basically a tour of every bar in town, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever been asked to leave a buffet because you drank more than you ate, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever taken a flask to a work meeting and called it “stress management,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you know exactly how many shots are in a fifth but have no idea how many ounces are in a cup, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever had a beer for breakfast and called it “liquid bread,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever popped open a beer while grocery shopping, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you carry a bottle opener on your keychain but don’t own a house key, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever rationed out your last bit of booze like it was the end of the world, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever picked a bar based on their nap-friendly seating, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever been on a first-name basis with every bartender in town, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your liver sends you hate mail, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever used the phrase “I’m never drinking again” while holding a drink, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever looked at a bottle of NyQuil and thought, “That’ll do,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider beer pong a professional sport, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever poured whiskey in your coffee and called it a "morning smoothie," youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever brought your own flask to a bar to “save money,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever referred to last call as "overtime," youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever gotten a drink to go from a party at your own house, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your dog hides when you open a bottle because he knows what’s coming, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever gotten mad at a bartender for cutting you off before you even ordered, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever tried to convince a cop that the beer in your hand is actually a “special kind of soda,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever searched for a “booze-friendly” church, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever called a six-pack a "starter kit," youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever finished your drink before the waitress finished asking, “What can I get you?” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your idea of responsible drinking is using two hands, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever had to take a cab from your driveway because you forgot how you got home, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever “lost” a beer, opened another, and then found the first one five minutes later… and drank both, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever been caught sneaking a beer into a “dry” wedding, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your version of a “juice cleanse” includes screwdrivers, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your bartender takes a vacation and you go through withdrawal, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever used your beer belly as a coaster, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever told yourself, “This drink doesn’t count because I didn’t pay for it,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your alarm clock is just the bartender saying, “Alright folks, you don’t have to go home…” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever put vodka in a water bottle and told people you were “hydrating,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever said, “Just one more,” and that was three hours ago, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your idea of a diet is switching from beer to vodka because it has fewer carbs, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever brought an extra beer to bed because you didn’t want to have to get up later, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever looked at a bottle of tequila and said, “I can take it easy with this,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you keep emergency beer money hidden in places even you forget, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you've ever gotten a bar tab that required a payment plan, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever taken shots before a doctor’s appointment just to calm your nerves, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider beer goggles a necessary fashion accessory, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever used a pizza box as a table for your drinks, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever had a beer koozie in your wedding photos, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever hidden a beer in the fridge behind something healthy to fool yourself, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever started drinking before noon and called it a “brunch special,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever used alcohol as “liquid courage” and still made a bad decision, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider whiskey to be an acceptable aftershave, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever built a drinking game around watching your own security footage, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever taken a sip of beer just to see if it was still cold, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever ordered more drinks just so the bartender wouldn’t think you were done, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever asked a bartender, “What’s the strongest thing you can legally serve me?” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you consider “water” to be the ice cubes in your whiskey, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever taken an Uber to the liquor store and another one home, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever poured yourself a drink and said, “That’s about a shot,” knowing damn well it’s half the bottle, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If your liquor store knows your name and your usual order, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever filled a Gatorade bottle with vodka and called it “electrolyte balance,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever argued that “whiskey is just old-fashioned medicine,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever opened a second bottle of wine because the first one was lonely, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever timed your lunch break just to hit happy hour, youuu just might be an alcoholic!

·  If you’ve ever read this entire list and thought, “Well damn, some of these hit too close to home,” youuu just might be an alcoholic!